Masculine and Feminine Nouns for the English Language

THE WASHINGTON POST Style Invitational recently postulated that English should have male and female nouns, like most other languages. Readers were asked to assign a gender noun of their choice, and explain their reasoning. Here are some of the best submissions:

ZIPLOC BAGS – male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

SWISS ARMY KNIFE – male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

KIDNEYS – female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

SHOE – male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

COPIER – female, because once turned on, it takes a while to warm up. It is also an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but it can also wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

TIRE – male, because it goes bald, and is often over-inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON – male, because to get anywhere you have to light a fire under it; and, of course, there's also the hot air part.

SPONGES – female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGE – female, because they are always getting hit on.

SUBWAY – male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS – female, because over time the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMER – male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 10,000 years, though it's handy to have one around.

REMOTE CONTROL – female, because it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.